Discernment Towards Men

I know it’s not all men, but it’s most men; and in my experience it is all men. I have never had a male friend that was truly platonic and it hasn’t been based on speculation either. I know I cannot change the past, but I can control the future. Moving forward, I do not foresee myself being close to a man in a nonsexual manner unless there is no chance of attraction. Therefore, I only feel aligned to be friends with respectful gay men. I have no desire to be friends with straight, bisexual, or pansexual men because at the end of the day they’re still men. For example, the men that are friends with my boyfriend I will be friendly and kind to because I genuinely enjoy their company. But I have no intention to hang one-on-one with any of them, or any man that isn't my partner, is already my friend or there is no perceived threat. Even then, I don’t even have any male friends in that category.

I also want to note, I am making this decision on my own volition.

I had been friends with a specific man since I was 18, and I am 26 now. Most recently, I came to the realization that he only was responsive to me when I was single and there was a repeated violation of boundaries throughout our friendship. I was willing to look past that, because I enjoyed his company, but strictly as a friend. In 2022, the cracks started to form.

He drunk texted me implying he wanted to hook up with me, despite making it clear that I was only interested in dating women at that time. Also, from my point of view, I only ever saw him as a good friend. In the big year of 2025, last summer actually, this same friend again, drunkenly admitted that he’d leave his girlfriend for me, to which I told him not to do that, and I set firmer and more specific boundaries with him. The final straw for me was when I was actively dating this past November, and I was showing him some options, and he told me it was a waste of time. From a friendship perspective, he was absolutely right — the local bum would not make a good partner, but I knew my friend had ulterior motives. This pattern was prevalent in two other male friendships — they either admitted to having feelings for me or wanted to hook up.

I will admit that my boundaries throughout these relationships were flimsy at best, and honestly I didn’t even really know how to set and maintain them. For example, when I expressed my unease regarding the subject matter my former friend of almost 8 years was projecting onto me, he said he understood and we moved on. But, on my end, I still was treating said friend like I would treat a girl-friend; being open about my sexuality, showing up for him etc etc. Which in hindsight I should have been more intentional about the subject matters I chose to discuss with him. On the other hand, I am no longer in a place in my life where I am interested in shrinking or being filtered at the cost of myself and the benefit of not being sexualized by a male friend.

The connections I have with my female friends or my gay friends does not translate to the men of friendship’s past. A few examples include, calling my bestie Emma my wife, when we’re both in committed monogamous relationships and she is like family to me; or when my other bestie Cass (who is engaged to wed his future husband) asks me if I want to make out. It’s all platonic kinship, with no real threat from any angle. The “threat” I am referring to is conditional friendship or fear of being sexualized. If I did this to any of my male friends, they would think I am being literal. 

In my experience it is all men. Thankfully, I have become more selective with whom I give my energy, kindness and warmth. With that comes clarity in my intention. I know that I cannot eliminate any and all interactions with men, I am dating a man, who I love and feel safe with. But I can certainly reduce who I allow in my inner circle. I love all my current friends and I am so thankful that they feel like family. I appreciate my boyfriend’s friends who have shown me kindness, I will continue to reciprocate. But no, I will not be besties with a man, unless he is gay.