On Mitski, Mutualism, and Not Disappearing

When looking through the top songs I listened to throughout 2025 to the present day, 28 out of the 50 I was sorting through were by Mitski. The general consensus I've seen about people who listen to Mitski is that they usually only can listen to her when they’re down bad. Of course, I was one of those people that thought “well that certainly can’t happen to me.” And guess what… it did in fact happen to me. In a number of ways, whether it was external or internal. It’s nothing I haven’t dealt with before of course, but this time I realized that it came at the cost of myself and I deserved more. 

I listen to Mitski for a number of reasons, other than formerly being in an extended depressive state –  but I resonate with her lyrics. For example, in the song Remember my Name, the opening lyrics goes as follows, “I gave too much of my heart tonight / Can you come to where I'm stayin.” A common theme of 2025, and honestly most of my adult life as an individual dating and existing in their 20s is the need for reciprocity. This lyric hits the nail on the head in terms of longing to be met half way especially after giving someone so much of yourself. In interpersonal relationships, I found that I only felt wanted if I was useful or had something to offer, and in the process I ended up overextending myself in order to keep certain connections alive. 

But after much journaling, reflecting and (some therapy,) I realized that the bare minimum to be in my life is that people have to try. So I started looking particularly at dating as an audition to see if the person was actually worth my energy. And let me clarify, I wasn’t the one auditioning. It was all trial and error, and I certainly did end up giving some less than desirable men my attention, but the difference this time was how much I tolerated, and that dictated how long I stayed – which wasn’t very long. 

The concept of mutualism is also prevalent in my career. For those who don’t know, I have an administrative / graphic design adjacent job at a non-profit. Prior to this position I worked a corporate marketing job that felt like I didn’t matter and I had to fit into a mold. For some people this works for them, and they’re able to succeed in these types of environments, but I am not one of those people. There were many stark differences between my current and previous role both in terms of how I could show up in both a physical and intellectual stance. For example, when the warmer months approached at my previous job, I felt compelled to shave my legs — which is something I do maybe once a year. Whereas, in my current role, when I was contemplating whether I should do the same when the time came, one of my coworkers told me in a different context, to just “be myself.” In addition to that, in my present position I actually feel appreciated, which is definitely a rarity in most jobs.

What sticks out in my mind was when I was filling in for my boss when she was away on a Friday night the Brown and RISD educated volunteer president came up to me and thanked me for the work I did for her that week. At first I thought, “What is she even thanking me for? I just did my job.” That moment made me feel seen as more than just a worker, but as a person. Which is a crazy concept since I was living in a world both inside and outside of work where things were “expected” of me without thanks. 

The repetition of showing up authentically has also been displayed through my art. I have only taken a number of art classes throughout my childhood and teenage years. However in college, my artistic journey became structured when I took a black and white film photography class in addition to a graphic design course. Of course I am grateful for my professors at the time, but I was really able to enhance my craft independently. I spent hours in both the darkroom and the computer lab at URI.

At that time, I was booking concerts at the coffeeshop I worked at, and did all the promotion including a few flyers that I edited on Photoshop. Upon reflection, it’s kinda cute to think about how long it took me to remove the background of an image. To where I am now – able to design and edit a 20+ page printed monthly magazine via InDesign. Aside from work and school, my personal art has evolved as well. It's of course in due part thanks to the structure and guidance from my peers but mostly I’d like to bring light to the countless hours I have spent drawing on the floor of whatever room in whatever house or apartment I was living in at the time. 

Looking back, Mitski’s lyrics aligned with my current state of mind, yes, of course a little depressing at times, but more importantly it assisted me in realizing that the baseline for anyone to be in my life, whether in regards to dating, work, friendships or art, mutualism is required.  I no longer want to earn my place by shrinking or overextending. I want to be met. I want to be thanked. I want to exist without auditioning.